When things fall apart
There are those days
Where things seem to be tumbling down.
One, after the other.
Just when you thought it could not get any worse, the un-imaginable happens.
People around you encouraged positive thinking.
They said it would not be so bad. They said you were catastrophising.
But when things fall apart
Beyond the imaginable
Your friends, too, run out of words.
In the silence you find loneliness.
Suddenly, you no longer qualify for ordinary human activities.
The ‘normal’ day to day no longer seems to apply.
When people ask ‘how are you’, you no longer know what to say.
Advice?
Perhaps it is hard for you to hear any more advice, as so far all that you have heard have failed you.
If I were to give any humble suggestion, it would be to
Let go.
And Surrender.
This does not mean we become defeatist or give up on hope.
It means remembering how small and insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things, and that however much we try, we ultimately have little control over the outcome.
Yes, you might be responsible for some intentions, some actions, some directions.
But you could not have controlled the childhood wounds that have created caused your trauma, which led to the desperate need to fill in the gap.
You could not have controlled the grief, resentment and anger that emerged from your psyche. However much you try to suppress them, they seem to fight back and bite back
You could not have controlled events that happen to you, people that decide to be vindictive, and how they react to you.
You could not have controlled your parents’ growth/ lack of growth, your siblings’ personalities, and your partners’ happiness/ unhappiness.
With your limited human capacity, focus on three things and three things only—
1. Take authentic actions
2. Let go of the outcome
3. Trust that you have done your best.
Taking authentic actions mean you check that your choices align with what you believe in.
Not what the world says you should do, but where your values lie, and what truly matters to you.
Letting go of the outcome means while you give it your absolute best in whatever you do, you know you are not to be blamed for whatever happens next.
Whenever you feel you have ‘screwed up’, remember all the things you do not control.
Gently gently, release yourself of the burden of having to heal everyone’s sorrow, resolve all conflicts and remedy the disasters.
Trusting you have done your absolute best is the most important step.
Always, always be on your own side.
Even if it does not look like you have tried your best, you have.
Under the given circumstances with the limited resources, with the life experience you had at the time, you have done your best.
Just because you can do better in the future does not mean you had not done your absolute best.
There are trauma that holds you back.
There are fatigue that wears you down.
There are sorrows in the world that existed before you came into this world.
Breathe, even when you do not feel like berating.
If you truly understand that ultimately it is not all up to you
That everything is tied in an invisible web, your grasp may loosen.
Always trust your best intention, always trust that you have done your best, but don’t trust your single-minded vision for the future.
Because with our limited human perspective we really don’t see the full picture.
With the risk of sounding esoteric, when things fall apart I encourage you to believe that life has a different plan for you.
This is a glorious plan that, unless things tumble and fall, you would not launch into.
When you hold on so tightly, so single-mindedly to the one future vision you have, you are not seeing the gifts in the present.
If you can learn to change top knocking on the wrong door, your fists will stop hurting.
If this is not a future that loves you back, let it go.
Learn to sprint towards a direction , an alternative future that loves you.
You might have lost your job, but you are gifted with time.
You might have lost your loved one, but you can learn to love yourself as they had loved you.
You might have lost fame, and so you now feel light and free.
What you think of as ‘bad’ may be the beginning of the most glorious path.
What you think of as ‘good’ might just be a mouldy comfort zone.
Your possessions, titles, external glory may be tumbling down, but they are not you.
You are standing strong, with both feet on the ground, untethered.
Close your eyes, and imagine going back and talk to the 3-year-old you,
They would tell you how proud they are of you, of having already achieved the unimaginable.
Regardless of what happens from here, it is good enough.
Close your eyes, and imagine going forward to talk to the 80-year-old you.
They will tell you that you have done a great job.
They will tell you that everything will be fine in the end
Rejection is protection.
The barrier is carrying you onto the new path.
Your Plan B is actually what is meant to be.
Open your palms, release your grasp.
Give up on the need to control this and that.
Let things fall if they have to, and remember the events and situations are not you.
You have done enough.